Special needs parents- it’s okay to mourn


Attention special needs parents! It’s time for you to mourn the loss of your traditional ideas of raising a child. How dare you?! How dare you say that? Mourn what? My child is a beautiful gift! And he/she is. I’m not saying otherwise. What I am saying is…it’s okay to mourn the life you wanted for your child before you knew about his/her special needs.

My son has sensory processing disorder. It means that with all the senses in our crazy world, his brain doesn’t know how to process them. He gets overly excited, can run around crazily or just start crying. He doesn’t know how to handle it and could not excel in his regular preschool class. He is in a special education class. This does not define him, it’s just what he needs to help him deal with everyday life.

So I understand. No matter what makes your child a little different, I’m here to tell you it’s okay to mourn. Maybe mourn is a bit extreme for you, but have a good cry. And you will probably feel much better when you do. I used to feel so guilty for thinking that. But I realized I don’t need to. It wasn’t that I wished for a different child. Keegan is amazingly sweet and smart and if he was nuero-typical he might not be. I love exactly who Keegan is. All of him. But I felt guilty for feeling sad. I felt sad for the things that are pretty much a given to typical kids, that I was no longer sure was going to be possible. Of course I was going to push and do everything possible to get him into all the things I was worried about. But I also don’t want to try to make him something he’s not.

You don’t realize all the things you worry about as a parent of a child limited physically or mentally, things that are normal to most children. Will they ever be mainstreamed in school? Will they be able to walk? Sports? College? Living on their own? Life without occupational therapy? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Kids? Marriage? Will they even want these things?

Mourn it out.  It’s not selfish. It’s actually selfless. To be worried about your children and to want more for them, is selfless. What will my child be able to do? Typical children at least get the opportunity to do everything that follows the “normal social path.” But the future of our kids is unknown. You should not feel bad for being sad about what your child might be missing out on. What I have learned though is that they don’t know what they are missing out on. Or they may know and feel like they aren’t missing out at all. We just don’t know.

I think that is the hardest part. Not knowing. The hardest struggle is being a “typical” person with a special needs child. Because you literally don’t know how to help. You don’t know how they feel, or what their concerns are. You don’t know if your pushing them is helping or hurting. It is a little upsetting when you realize that you have to have people that don’t even know your child, teach you how to help them. Like why can’t I figure out how to help him? You just don’t know all the answers. Accepting help from someone that is a professional doesn’t make you any less of a parent. Not knowing the answers doesn’t either. New things pop into my head all the time where I wonder “is Keegan even going to want to do that in the future?” For example, even today I wondered if throwing a big 5th birthday party is even a good idea. Is that something he can handle? All the people on top of the noise and overload of wherever we have it? Should I do something different? Nemo invited us to Halloweekends at Cedar Point, would Keegan even enjoy it? People popping out to scare us? I think not, but it’s always different with him.

Trust me guys, you aren’t the only ones that are 95% sure you are royally screwing your kids up. You aren’t the only ones that question all of your actions. And P.S….it’s okay to feel a little bad for yourself too. Shhh…I won’t tell. It is exhausting. You have to be the advocate for your child for a long time. For some people, it’s a lifetime.
But because of all these uncertainties every accomplishment is a huge win! You take a lot less for granted. Of course we are strong boisterous fans of our amazing kids! Just get that cry out and as Felipe (Bye Felipe!) from my job says….truck forward!

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why Dating is Awesome 

  


Dating is amazing. Yes, it can be completely terrifying and make you question yourself, but there are great parts too.


Let me start by saying that yes, I totally freak out and question everything like I talked about in Why Dating Sucks. But if you aren’t questioning yourself and you aren’t at least a little nervous, you probably aren’t excited. And if you aren’t excited…why are you going?

Dating is cool because you try new things. Now, this only pertains if you are going on actual dates and not just “hanging out” and you don’t go to a bar for every date. Not that going to a bar is bad by any means, but if you are going every time not much thought is going into it. Which may or may not be your thing. But personally, I wouldn’t always want to go to a bar.

So as I was saying, you try new things. A new restaurant, a city you haven’t been to. I don’t drink much at all so going to a bar was something new. When I order drinks, because I have no idea what I’m doing I just tell the bartender to make me something fruity and light. Lol. And I think beer is gross, but I tried something he ordered and it wasn’t bad! I tried sushi with actual fish in it for the first time. I couldn’t even taste the fish and it was good! New drinks, new foods, new places. 

Even if he doesn’t take you anywhere new, which my date did, you take the lead. I decided to do this and said I would plan some dates, which I realized is new to me. And a lot of pressure. I feel bad for guys! 

If you plan a few dates you can do things that you haven’t done before but sound fun. I suggest checking out Groupon.com and livingsocial.com for ideas. I have always wanted to do a Murder Mystery Dinner. I may decide to do that! And I have never been to a comedy show other than Kevin Hart at a stadium. But I have always wanted to go to an actual comedy house. Maybe try Painting With A Twist? There’s so many ideas you can try, maybe use this time to try things you have always wanted to do that you think he will like too. 

Especially if you are a parent, just getting out of the house and focusing on YOURSELF and having a good time is great reason dating is awesome.  So much time spent is worried about everything going on with your kids that you forget about having fun yourself. 

Another reason that dating is awesome is because you start putting more effort into your appearance. This may not be the case for you but it definitely is for me. Going through daily routines of work, spending time with my son, and mainly being a homebody…I don’t dress up or spend much time on my appearance. I forgot what it feels like to spend hours getting ready. And honestly, I missed it. I missed feeling really pretty. Taking time to pick out a perfect outfit. He might not notice much or even care but it gives me a little extra confidence. And after feeling like “mom on the run” all the time it’s nice to just feel really feminine and pretty. 

Though this next topic doesn’t pertain to me, it’s something I’m sure others think about. One of my best friends said dating multiple people is the best. I personally have a tough time with this. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I have never been able to date more than one person without completely panicking and feeling anxious. But she’s says it’s great, that “it’s like Elimidate. Remember that show?” That you have some options and you take the time to figure out which one is right for you. If I did this, I probably wouldn’t spend so much time on the wrong people, but it’s just something I can’t do. But if you can, more power to you! 

What I have realized I really like about dating is really getting to know someone. I like learning about people anyway but it’s a little different on a more intimate level. Figuring out their likes and dislikes. What things do you have in common. What things you are on totally different pages about. Learning about their childhood, their past, their family. Their sense of humor. And telling them about you. I’m not sure why I like this so much but I really do.

The best thing about dating are the things that make your heart pound. The romance. Trying to figuring out your feelings for the other person. The butterflies. The nervousness. Wanting to text all the time. Feeling like you are a teen in high school again. That, in my opinion, is the best part about dating. And it all constitutes why dating is awesome. 







Image provided by stock images on freedigitalphotos.net

Why Dating Sucks

  

I get to a point where I’m like “you know what? I hate this.” For the most part dating is great like I talked about in Why Dating is Awesome. But it also makes you question LITERALLY EVERYTHING.  Which is why dating sucks. 


It’s 100% possible I overthink things and that’s why I tend to freak out. I’m going to tell you some of the things that go through my mind and you can tell me if you relate.  

At first everything is smooth sailing. And then BAM! Hits you like a ton of bricks. The questioning. The wondering. Every forehead smacking moment that was seeping in the back of your brain is brought to the forefront. And that’s how it starts.

When he brought up Dia De Los Muertos and you had a complete brain fart even though you 100% know what it is, you sounded like an idiot. And why the hell did you decide to wear that?  Are you sure you looked good? Because when you think back on it, it sounds like a HORRIBLE idea. And all the silences– were they too long or too awkward? You just remembered you totally didn’t tip the bartenders when you offered pay for drinks. He probably thinks you are a cheap ass. Or that you are undignified. Did you laugh too loud? Eat too loud? And you didn’t finish the meal he paid for! Ugh! And even worse you didn’t get a box. You should have gotten a box! What is wrong with you woman?! And at the end of the night you totally freaked out getting in your head about a goodnight kiss. Does he want one? Are you comfortable with that? How do you do this? How do the two of you part? What if he goes in for one and you are sure you are totally going to screw it up? Get out of your head! Be in the moment! Stop fidgeting with your necklace! 

It doesn’t matter that you have been talking everyday since, have a second date set up, or that he kissed you on the cheek like a gentleman. 

Now there’s new questions. Because now you think this is what you want. You like this guy. A lot. But what if he doesn’t like you quite the same? What if he is just looking for casual dating to keep him occupied but wants nothing more out of it? What if he doesn’t often think about you, but you have been thinking about him all the time. How bad would it suck if he decided he didn’t want this to go any further? Is this age thing going to be an issue? How will you know? Is it too soon to just ask him up front? “Hey man what do you want out of this?” Is that coming on too strong? Will that be the thing that makes him want to drop you? Will it be too hard to just be patient and wait it out until he tells you? Is he waiting for you to ask? Surely it’s too damn early for all of this. He probably doesn’t even think about you until a text comes through. Right? Should I continue talking to other guys? Even if I’m pretty sure that I want to focus on him? Is that crazy? To feel that way? I’m pretty sure I should be institutionalized. 

When you are texting…you are excited and want to text right back…but should you? Does that seem desperate? He doesn’t text right back. But I just get so damn excited like 15 year old and want to respond immediately.  But I hold off most of the time. It’s irritating, like I’m playing games instead of just being myself. And as I say “if she’s playing games she’s too young for you bro.” I am overthinking this? Or maybe I’m not. I’m not sure. Am I, in fact, too young for him bro? Maybe he’s got a life and that’s why he doesn’t respond right away you dipwad. Stop overthinking this! Why do you send such long texts? Is that ok? Or is he annoyed by it?

I know that we have a second date scheduled and a third planned, as well as other plans, but was he joking about the other plans? For the movie marathon? Was he just saying that? I’m cleaning my place from top to bottom…just in case. When are we going to add each other on Facebook? Is it weird to wonder that?  Because I feel like I need to go through and delete stuff I have posted. I should watch what I say on there. But then I’m not being myself. But people are judgmental at first. Why am I worried about that right now? I just want to know what you want out of this an then I can relax! Tell me! TELL ME NOW!

This may not be even close to how you think. And I just realized that as a 24 year old woman, this is the first time I have gone on a date thinking ahead of time that this is a date, and we are not in a relationship. So I may be completely freaking out for no reason.  I hate the unknown. I just want to know where I stand. At all times. And when I don’t, I question my, well, everything. Decisions, actions, feelings. It makes me anxious. And that my friends, is why dating sucks. 








Image provided by Master Isolated Images on Feedigitalimages.net

#YouDidntWakeUpLikeThat

  
Here’s a secret…I didn’t wake up like that. That right there…took about two hours not including the things I did the day before, like shopping and getting my eyebrows done. And guess what? That’s okay. It’s perfectly fine that I took time to get ready and that I’m wearing makeup.

Why is this culture so obsessed with thinking women have to look and be perfect from the moment they open their eyes? I can’t stand seeing social media flooded with pictures of women that claim “they woke up like this” or that it is their “no make up challenge.” There would be nothing wrong with this if it were real. If the point of it was to show our youth what people really look like without all the extras. The fake nails, the makeup, the fake lashes, the filters. That’s what I believe the original message was supposed to be. But that is not the case. 

The pictures that say this…almost every single one I have seen…the women are wearing makeup, used a filter, or photoshop. I have seen where I can tell the women have used full fledged make up and that they are just great at it. I don’t use much makeup myself but in a theater makeup class, we learned how to do it and make it look natural, and how to spot it.
Sometimes the women are using airbrush makeup which is flawless. But that’s the problem.

What message are you giving young girls if you post a picture saying that you aren’t wearing makeup when clearly you are? What message are you sending to boys and men everywhere? What message are you giving society? 

You are saying we are not enough. That we are not enough to just look like ourselves. That you want others to believe that you have absolutely no flaws, which in turn, makes people that can’t tell you have “fixed” this photo in one way or another, feel inferior. That this is what men should expect at all times. We wear makeup and that’s okay. But we can’t own it in fear of not being perceived as beautiful. Society has molded us to believe we aren’t beautiful if we have flaws. We are saying “hey! Look at me! Everyone like my picture! I am a natural modelesque queen and I look like this all the time.”

Most of the time, we don’t. We have blemishes. Uneven skin tone. Our hair is crazy when we wake up in the morning. There is sleep in our eyes. Some skin is fine when we wake up, others are dry or oily. We may have freckles or birthmarks we don’t like. Our faces may be puffy in the morning. Some of us have permanent bags or dark circles under our eyes. And that is okay. It is human. It is real. It is beautiful.

It is okay to wear makeup there’s no shame in that. I do this too. But own it! Don’t tell people you don’t have makeup on. It’s sending the wrong message. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Let them know, “hey, I wear make up and do tons of stuff to look like this.  It takes a lot of time and effort so appreciate it.”

It takes at least 30 minutes to get your nails done. Make up varies depending on the amount you use. Foundation, concealer, lipstick, lip gloss, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, bronzer, eyebrow pencil, and lip liner. We pluck, shave, thread and wax our eyebrows, private areas, under arms, legs, face and sometimes arms. Manicures, pedicures, body wraps, facials. Don’t even get me started on our hair. Hi-lights, low-lights, dyeing it, ombré, cut, trim, blow outs, deep conditioning, having it thinned out, weaves, wigs, extensions, perms, straighting, curling, relaxing, and styling. I’m sure I’m missing something. The time we spend clothes shopping, jewelry shopping, shoe shopping, purse shopping, and lingerie shopping all to look good. It takes time to look good. Don’t pretend like it happens magically. Let the world know, I took some serious time to make myself look good for this picture so hit that “like” button for me. 

I recently read an article about which makeup you should sleep in when you are with your significant other so you can wake up with it on. Then when you run to the bathroom before he/she wakes up…you only have to fix it a little and brush your hair before laying back down and pretending “you woke up like that.” Is that not crazy? Insecurity and expectations at its worst. Whoever you’re with should know that you aren’t going to look like a Covergirl when you wake up. 

This is one of the many instances where a group is oppressing itself. Is it not?  So here’s my real “I woke up like this” picture. And when I posted it on my Facebook, I got more response from friends than I have on any other picture I have posted of myself. That’s saying something. There’s room in this society for the real. There’s an appreciation for it. 

 

#IWokeUpLikeThisForReal

#InCaseYouCantTell

Late Night Rant- Be Happy For Others

 

 I wake up normally about four times a night. Usually, it takes me around 30 minutes to get back to sleep. Sometimes it’s freaking hours. Like now for example. I woke up, and feel like I slept 8 hours. At least my mind thinks so. My body…not so much. 

I’m a light sleeper so the first thing that normally pops in my head as I wake up is “If those cats don’t stop chasing each other around the house I am throwing them outside.” It happens every night. I never do it. I should, I would probably get more sleep.

After going through the usual routine of getting back to sleep ideas including watching Netflix, reading, using the bathroom and getting something to eat, a ton of things run through my head. 

First it’s trival stuff. Would I wake up anyone if I did some dishes? Cleaned the bathroom? Probably. I need to get a hair cut. You my friend, look a hot mess. I need to upload those pictures of the kiddo’s clothes to my Facebook selling group. They probably won’t sell. They never do. Stupid group. Why am I in it? I should delete it. That will show ’em.  Does counting sheep really work? One sheep, two sheep…wool is cool.  And warm. I should cover Keegan back up. Speaking of warm the weather is nice. It’s short season! Except not for me, nope no shorts for you my dear. I should work out. That sounds like a lot of work. I mean…the word “work” is in the phrase. Man my hands are dry. I should get lotion. But I’m so comfortable. If I compromise my comfy position…I may never find it again and I will never go back to sleep. Nevermind  I will just deal. Oh my god all I’m going to think about is my dry hands. Fine! Fine you horrible skin you win! Where is the lotion? I should clean this cabinet, it’s a mess.

But once I start scrolling through Facebook is when I get deep in thought. Today my thought is that I see so many people doing well and posting their successes on Facebook. Yet the only time I see more than 100 likes on something is if someone is pregnant or getting married. I don’t know if people are just not seeing it due to the strange way Facebook works now or if it’s something else. 

have a sneaking suspicion it’s something else. It seems to me that people have a hard time being happy for other people that are doing well for themselves. I will not lie immediately two people popped into my own head when I said that. Yes, I am guilty of this too. But why?

Because they, in my eyes are doing better than me. They have something I am working toward or are happy doing something I’m not. Both of these things are career wise. One has a following and is fairly successful. Besides the fact that I don’t like her personally, so what? I can still be happy for her. That doesn’t make me any less than what I am. Success is, afterall, determined by ourselves. I realized the thing that makes me happy or jealous of someone’s success is how well we got along. If I didn’t like them, even if they are really doing awesome, I too would scroll past their post of happiness without liking it. A “like” is so small and so big at the same time. It can signify a lot. 

It it was these thoughts that prompted me to make a status personally tagging people in it that I thought deserved more recognition than they were getting. People will appreciate it! Do it!

So next time that person that you can’t stand posts something awesome they are doing with their life, don’t be a hater. Click that little like button. Because there is no denying they are doing the damn thing! I promise, releasing that will make you feel so much better. So free. Let freedom ring. 

My Adventures of Online Dating- Finding Nemo

I have been single for just over a year. It’s starting to get to that wonderful point where all of my friends, family (including my grandma) are trying to set me up with someone. And this year deciding whether I wanted to date or not was a New Year’s Resolution.  And I decided yes, okay, I’m ready. Now what?

I spend a lot of time driving in between my apartment, my mom’s house and work. I don’t have a lot of time on my hands. So at first I decided to go the route of giving out my number to anyone that asked. That was a horribly, stupid mistake. I have a weird adversity to phone conversations with people I don’t know (calling to set up doctors appointments is a serious struggle) so texting was the way to go. Maybe it’s just me, but when someone you barely know texts you “Good morning. I woke up and kissed you. Muah,” it’s time to move on. Then they blow up your phone and when you tell them it’s not working out they throw a complete fit and continue texting you their angry rants. After about four guys, I decided yeahhh this isn’t working. I laid off of it for a while.

Then Patti the Millionaire Matchmaker told me to try online dating on a site called Plenty of Fish. Well she didn’t tell me personally, but damn it, it felt like it. My mom and I were watching it and she did an interview where she told Andy Cohen, I love him by the way (call me Andy!) that online dating is where to meet men. I signed up before she finished talking.

About two years ago I tried a few websites, and it didn’t work out. But hey I would give it the old college try. It took me a while to understand what was happening. Immediately I started getting notifications that people wanted to meet me and I started getting overwhelmed. It’s just the way the site works. They show you pictures of people in your area it asks if you want to meet them, but it just means “are you interested?” You can choose yes, no or maybe. If you click yes or maybe the other person gets a notification that you want to meet them. It also lets you know if there is a mutual match.

At first I started freaking out. What?!!! I don’t want to meet anyone yet! Are they crazy?! I’m going to end up handcuffed in a warehouse somewhere!

It’s just the site’s terminology.

Then my phone started chiming like crazy because my inbox started getting messages. Some saying very inappropriate things that I won’t repeat. Some just saying hi. Some calling me bae, Hun, boo, beautiful, and even future wifey. It was overwhelming.

My biggest issue starting out was that I felt bad if I didn’t respond. Okay…I still have that problem, even if I think I’m not interested because who knows right?

The pick up lines. Oh man the pick up lines! The best so far is “just call me Pooh because all I want is you, honey.” Hey, I had never heard it before and it was funny.

Once I got a message saying “judging from your username you have heard (some guy I can’t remember)’s commencement speech in some place I don’t remember of 2005? Well I didn’t listen to my own damn commencement speech so I don’t exactly go around looking for commencement speeches from when I was 15. And my username is because I think I’m clever and it’s from Finding Nemo. Lmao!

I may be engaged. Did I forget to mention that?  Probably the most interesting message I got was something along the lines of “here’s the key to my heart 🔑🔑🔐❤️ please don’t break it 💔. ”  Followed by the statement “🌷🌷🌹🌹🌺🌺🌼🌼 I got you some flowers I hope they don’t die.” Next was ” this is a deposit if you act right 💍💍💎💎💎👰👰💏💑.” Lastly was “this is a seed for our future 🌱 with the right ingredients 💦💦 and some love 💕💕 it will grow.”  So I’m pretty sure I’m engaged. He did it so fast and there was a lot more emojis. It took me forever to find those just now.

The next issue I personally had was when they would end every sentence in “beautiful” in a very generic surface issue conversation. I get it, you think I’m beautiful. Now can we actually get to know one another?

Good conversation in general is hard to come by. I get a lot of “what are you doing” and when I respond, not answering until the next day with the same question.

Did I mention that I was told I look like Rosario Dawson’s MOM?!  I’m 24. I get Rosario Dawson alllll the time. Rosario is 35. Let’s do some math here. If Rosario’s mom had her at a super young age, let’s say 13. You are saying that I look at least 48! When I tell him this he tells me to take my vitamins and then tells me insecurity isn’t attractive. What?!

I also had A LOT of men pushing for a date or phone number right out of the gate and would get frustrated when I refused saying I wanted to get to know them better on the site first.

Did I mention I have been stood up twice?

Not all of them are bad though. I have a few guys that I really enjoy talking to and even have a date coming up that I am very excited for. And when I told my friends that I was on this site, about 6 of them said they met their current boyfriends/fiances on that site. If you are thinking about it, give it a shot! Be prepared for the madness though. I will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading😊