My Sensational Son SPD stories, Uncategorized

To My Sensitive boy

To my sweet sensitive boy:

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I always want the best for you. I always want you to be who you are. I don’t want the world to change you.

The sensitivity in your soul is not emasculate. It means you have a big heart. It means you feel things for people. It means you understand when you have wronged someone and hurt them feel bad.  Don’t let the world make you think differently.

We went to a teacher conference of sorts for you recently. They said they would “work on when it’s appropriate for you to be upset.” That it would help with the sensitivity.

I don’t see your sensitivity as a problem sweetheart. Rather, a gift. I have the sweetest most amazing boy wrapped in that five year old body. And that sensitivity is a big reason why.

I think that is appropriate for you to be upset, when you feel upset. There shouldn’t be standards set on what you are feeling. It’s working through those emotions that help.

But this is coming from your “over sensitive” mama. My whole life I have been told that I’m over, or too sensitive. And I have learned to love me, for me. It has taken a long time. People were constantly telling me that what I felt was wrong just because they didn’t see things the same way.

I have owned that now. If someone can’t figure out how to see something from another person’s perspective, then why would I want to socialize with them in the first place?

I had to relearn that love for myself. I don’t want that for you.  I want you to have it all along.

You are sensitive. And that is okay. It does not make you any less than anyone else. You just see things differently. Because of that you may love harder, hurt easier, and truly become disgusted with those that don’t understand. It’s even okay if you don’t react in the way you want to. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried in an argument or when talking about something heavy because I get overwhelmed.  I felt weak because of it.  It is not weakness, love.  It is strength.

What’s important for us sensitive souls is to do two things really. Stick up for yourself. People will take advantage of you. Or they will at least try. It has taken me a long time and I’m still working on this myself. You will become resentful of not only that person, but yourself. It will eat you up inside. So say no, it’s okay. Tell someone it’s not okay to talk to you the way they are. You don’t have to feel guilty about it saying and doing what is best for you. The second thing…and this is so so important…do not make excuses for people because you understand them. Just because you can understand why a person did what they did, or said what they said, does not excuse their behavior. You can forgive them. But forgive them for your own peace of mind and move on. If they can’t acknowledge what they did, don’t give them an easy out.

Don’t let the world harden you. Surround yourself with people that brings that big heart to the forefront. Let no one tell you, how to be you. Only you can do that. And most importantly, make no apologies for who you are.

Love,
Your mama

Late Night Rantings From A (Sort of) Insomniac, Uncategorized

Just keep swimming

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When you are in it, you don’t really realize how bad it really is.  I find this true for almost anything.  Personally I can tell you this is true for bad jobs, friendships, and relationships.  I’m sure there are plenty more things that apply.  I’m not sure what that is, what makes you not realize it.  Maybe it is your brain’s way of protecting you.  It’s been proven to do this when someone experiences a tragic event and the person will completely block it out.  Maybe it’s tricking us into believing “it’s not that bad” until we can get to a place where we can move on and fix whatever is happening.

And I can tell you it happens with depression.  I have had really terrible depression before, and by comparison, nothing else is bad.  So my thoughts are always “I’m not depressed, I just hate (insert something about jobs, coworkers, friends, family).”  I am not depressed because it’s not as bad as that one time.  But I am depressed.

I can’t give you an exact reason why I am because there are a lot of things.  Things I can’t change and things I can.  I feel like pieces of me just break off and I glue them back in place and hold it together hoping things will get better.

I over think things.  I think about them until I break it apart and examine it at every angle.  Until I grind it down into teeny tiny grains of sand.  While it helps me better understand things and I honestly believe it makes me a better person in general, there are definitely it’s down sides.  I know that because I over think about the possible outcomes and weighing the probability of it going the way I want to, I am less likely to push myself into something new.  I am less likely to say what I need to say to someone in order to make myself feel better, because I am overly concerned with how they will take it.  It makes me have a big heart and connect with people easily.  But it also makes it easy for people to manipulate and step all over me.

I haven’t been able to breathe.  I’m suffocating.  My days off work don’t feel like days off.  It feels like a count down until I go back in.  I can’t sleep.  I don’t eat properly.  Nothing makes me excited and everything does at the same time.  I’m overly passionate about the wrong things and nothing outside of this box I’m in gets me excited.  I’m on auto-pilot, just going through the motions.

Being a single mom, my free time basically goes to my son.  Or it should.  I feel so guilty when I don’t want to do anything and can’t motivate myself to do something with him.  I feel like a bad parent.

Because everything is a chore when you are depressed.  Putting clothes on, doing your hair, driving, even moving sometimes.

Still have your attention? Does this remind you of anyone you know?

Well, tell them I said, JUST KEEP SWIMMING.  I know it’s from Finding Nemo but it has literally been the quote of my life.  If you keep swimming it will get better.

People tend to think that those with depression are easy to spot.  Here’s a hint, it’s not just the emo kid in the corner of that movie that one time, dressed in black rebelling against his family.  It is not just owned by teens, those affected by traumatic events and postpardum moms.  Yes all of them are affected but it’s not that easy.  Often, people have high functioning depression.  It’s the corporate lawyer that everyone says is top notch at her job.  It’s the construction worker, the college kid, the manager, the person in between jobs.  It’s moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, kids, aunts, uncles.  It is your best friend and your priest.  It takes many forms and can occur in anyone.  It’s your friend that cracks jokes and is the life of the party as much as it is “that weird kid” you know.  It’s the lady that is always baking treats for her neighbors and the one that screams at you for stepping on their grass.  It’s everywhere.

Today, I feel pretty happy.  Not like happy happy.  But half way.  And that sounds sad, but it’s something.  I was productive, spent time with my family doing all kinds of things, reached out to four people, two of them I haven’t talked to in a long time.  Today I am doing good.  And the revelation that I’m not “just having a hard time right now” but that I am indeed depressed, means that I can take the step toward feeling better.  Going to the doctors.  Talking about it.  Doing something about it.

I think that blogging unlocks my brain from the prison it’s in.  I kept a diary up until high school and it helped so much.  Now you are my diary.  I just have an audience (besides my mom and my brother sneaking a peak).  I just have to be brave enough to talk about the tough stuff too, for my well being, without thinking about how everyone else will take it.  And I’m sure it will benefit others knowing that someone really does understand.

Depression sometimes feels like drowning.  You are tense and panicking, can’t breathe.  Wondering if you will ever break the surface.  Wondering if anyone notices you are in the state you are in.

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See those white bits.  That’s the light breaking through.  Just keep swimming.  You will get there.

Hugs and Kisses

 

My Sensational Son SPD stories

My son hates everything I love

My son, the very thing I live for, absolutely hates nearly everything I love.

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Art fairs, street fairs, state fairs…pretty much any fairs.  Movie theaters and malls.  Anything loud or crowded and he’s out.

I live and thrive around people.  I love some of the small, silly interactions you have with strangers.  I love crowds.  I just love people watching and seeing how events can bring people together.  I just like people, period.

My son screams at children that look at him.  Or hides when anyone he doesn’t know comes near him.  He tends to like adults and tolerates kids he knows.  But he hates being around a lot of people regardless of age.

I love exploring.  I love the invigoration of a new place.  I love experiencing new things. I like spontaneity.

My son hates leaving the house most of the time.  And the only time he tolerates it is when he is given plenty of warning.  New places are the worst.

I love when I am warm and toasty and snuggled up under the covers.

My son says his skin is itchy when he gets warm.

I love going out to eat.  I love someone else cooking food I can’t make.  I love trying new food from all different cultures.

My son does not like restaurants, especially if there are a lot of people or it’s too loud.  He gets the same thing everywhere we go.  Pizza, chicken nuggets, fries.  One of those.

I LOVED spirit days at school.  I was so excited for him to experience them and do fun and silly stuff.

My son is not down with the silliness.  He is not okay with doing anything other than the regular routine.

But also…

My son loves video games.  He loves Mario Bros and Minecraft the most.  It is one of his only true interests.

I can’t stand talking about video games constantly.  I will play them from time to time but day in and day out? No thank you.

My son likes being cold because he is a constant hotbox.

Being cold seems to physically hurt me. If it is 80 degrees outside and there is the slightest breeze, it’s cold and I’m putting a sweater on.

My son likes playing cars at home.  He likes playing in the yard with his toys.

I can’t stand being in the house all the time and I’m not particularly good at playing with cars.  And if I’m going to be outside I would rather be at a park than in the yard.

My son likes the consistency of knowing the foods he is going to eat that day.  Pre-approved by him.

I hate making his lunch for that reason, I feel like I’m feeding a hamster eating the same boring thing everyday.

And…

My son gets nervous in new situations and gets extreme anxiety about them.

I cried the first time I had to put gas in the car by myself even though I knew what to do. Even though I had run in to pay for gas all the time.  I get anxiety when doing new things.

My son is perfectly fine with noise, as long as he is the one making it.  A lot of the time, things are too loud for his comfort.

I can’t stand certain sounds, unless I am the one making them.

My son tenses up when people touch him, especially on his shoulders.

I tense up when people touch my upper back, or if they are too close to my face.

My son doesn’t like looking people in the eye.

I don’t like looking people in the eye when they are feeling intense emotion, especially if it is anger or frustration.

This is sensory processing disorder.  It is such a small taste.  Sound like complaining?  No, it’s not.  It’s just easier to explain to others.  We each make exceptions and do what we can to make each other happy.  My son is amazing and so unbelievably sweet.  He does things he can’t stand because he knows I want to.  As do I for him.  I believe what he says when he is uncomfortable with something.  I may push him a bit but I let him be who he is.  In so many ways I see myself in him.  These sensory issues he has, I struggled with them as a kid.  Even now I still have some problems.  Just on a much smaller scale than it is for him.  I know it is difficult for parents of special needs kids for different reasons.  This is just a piece of our difficulty.  And Sensory kiddos can have all kinds of extreme issues from food aversion to issues with textures of clothing.

I can admit that our likes and dislikes don’t always blend.  But we know how to work with each other.  This also is why it’s important to make sure that each of you have your own time to do the things you love.  We as parents put so much on the back burner. We feel like bad parents if we want to do something we love, that our kids don’t.  I’m here to tell you it’s okay.  You do not have to become your kids.  You just have to love them.  It is okay to live a separate identity from them.  And while I am writing this for others, this is a reminder to myself too.  It’s okay to be you and live a life you love.

My son is like land.  He is rigid, with roots down deep holding him firm.  Inconsistencies cause the land to wither, break apart, have to start anew.  I am like water.  Easily flowing from one experience to the next.  Crashing into new things with excitement.  But we both soften around the edges.  The water slows when it reaches the shore made from sands that have loosened its grip.  The land and water marinate in a spot that works.  We marinate.  And it works.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Uncategorized

My Brain Drain

Psuedotumor Cerebri, or Idopathic Intercranial Hypertension is a disease affecting 1 out of every 100,000 people.  I, of course, am one of them.  I recently had brain surgery to help with symptoms of it.  This video explains my video documentary of it, what exactly Psuedotumor is, and why I decided to do it.  I hope it helps and sheds some light on it.

 

Have any questions?!  I’ve been dealing with this disease for a long time.  I might not know the answer but I know where to find them!  Ask me!

Uncategorized

SPD Birthday Party Success

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We had my son’s 6th Birthday party on Saturday.  And for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t too hard for him to deal with.

I talk a lot about my son having sensory processing disorder.  He is on a waiting list to be tested for Autism as well.  And certain situations set him off.

New people, a lot of people, new places, a lot of noise, a lot of movement going on.  With the exception of being a new place (we were at our house), all of these happen at birthdays.

I always wonder if celebrating with a party is something we should even do.  We have tried less people, being at home, and a place where he can exert his energy (he becomes a sensory seeker when overloaded).  Each year he always ends up having a hard time.

And every year I ask him if he wants to have a party.  And every year he says yes.  I figure if he completely hated it, he would just tell me he wouldn’t want one or would only want a few people there.

He wanted to invite his friends from school.  And then there’s family.  And then there’s friends that are like family.  And before we finished my idea of small party was up to a possibility of 35 plus people.

And of course they all wouldn’t come, but I was so nervous.

He is in a special education class room (in Kindergarten) fully right now with kids all different ages.

Last year we invited 12 kids from his class.  Only 2 came.  We were disappointed.  He talked about it a lot for quite a few weeks.

And on the day of his party my heart shattered as he said “maybe no one will come.”

And then a car pulled in.  Other than family, they were the first to show.  A little girl from his class and her mom.  And then another.  And another.

He was so happy!  He didn’t eat much of anything but he played his heart out with all of his friends.  Four came, but that was half of his class! One mom even came to drop off a present even though her son couldn’t come.  My son’s cousin was there as well.  They had so much fun.

And his room was the place to be if they needed to decompress.

I was worried about some of the games and wasn’t sure if they would like it.  But they loved them!  The pinata and Pin the Star on Mario (just like pin the tail on the donkey but it his party was Mario themed).

I got to know all of the parents and all of the kids and I love them all.

He was SO happy.

And I have NEVER not been worried when he is somewhere and I can’t see him.  But everyone was eating outside and one of the moms was inside with the kids in his room.  And I knew I could trust her because she knows.  I didn’t even realize they had left the table (sounds bad doesn’t it?) until a few minutes later.  Normally, I’m hawkeye.  Helicopter mom.

But I could breathe because I knew, that the other moms knew too.  They understood.  They knew that if he acted out it wasn’t because he was bad, it was because he was overstimulated.  They would know the sensory toys in the room and there was no judgement.  I loved it!  LOVED IT.

So, I am here to say, that if you are a parent of special needs kid, and you see other parents of special needs kids–talk to them!  Band together.  Our kids are already misunderstood.  Our parenting is too.  You know who isn’t going to judge you?  The parent who is being judged just as harshly. The misunderstood should stand united!

Uncategorized

Addiction

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People tend to think that those that left when times are down, never really loved them.  Perpetuating their abuse, self hate, or anger.  It’s quite the opposite actually.  It’s that we love you so much, it hurts to see you not love yourself the way we love you.  It’s debilitating.

We watched you bloom.  We watched you turn your face toward the sun and lap up every bit of it with a smile on your face.  And then we watched in horror as you yanked your roots from the ground.  And though we know you feel like you are running free from the earth and all that left you feeling stagnant, we know we just watched you kill yourself in the slowest way possible.

And unless you replant your roots somewhere else you start wilting, dying as pieces of you dance away with the wind.  And it is the hardest thing to watch.  Because no matter how many times we tell you to root yourself, you will only do that when you are ready.

And when you are ready, you can transplant. You can absolutely do that.  Your view may be different.  You may have seen things others would never understand.  You may never quite be the same.  But you can still grow.  And you will.  Just turn your face toward the sun and remember.

 

 

Uncategorized

It’s been a while…

Hello all,

I know it has been some time. Trust me, we will eventually get into all of that. But being over 8 months I couldn’t just drop a blog post and pretend I haven’t been missing. I have been working, just not posting publicly.

I have had some heath issues going on. I still do, and to be honest, they are probably worse than before. But I could not find the motivation to get to the library to write. I still can’t. I have written many half finished things on my phone (which is a piece of crap iphone 4s with a cracked screen and spots that don’t work on the screen to type). And when I have gotten to the library, I don’t have enough time to completely finish blog posts, so I have a lot of drafts saved too.  But what has changed is that I have been working a little more often than normal, two jobs.

And because I am working more I have been feeling I have no time to myself.  Because days off are designated to my son or doctors appointments.  So I feel now more than ever I need an outlet.  And before I was just using my jank phone at night to get my thoughts out, but it won’t even cooperate anymore. And working more has provided me with a little expendable income, so I decided it was time to get a new laptop before I completely lose it.

So here I am.  I am back, and I am writing and I am happier than I have been in a while.

And, I am about to be really angry at myself in the morning because I am on a “new laptop” high and can’t get to sleep.

Going to try and force myself to go to sleep….right after I post this one quick thing I wrote that I feel is important.

Good night all.

Uncategorized

How I Ended up Dealing

  How did I get here? What brought me down this road? I know exactly what happened.

I know what you are thinking…you? You are a goody two shoes. There’s no way. Yes, it happened. 

I woke up started my usual routine. With a drink. I made my breakfast. I go to the cupboard. Open the bottle. No! No, no, no, no, noooooo! I’m out! I start scrambling. Maybe I have some in the pouch in my purse? No. Maybe I have some in my car left? Nada. Shit! It’s fine. I will be fine. I start getting ready and driving to work. It’s all I can think about.

Bam…idea! Lightbulb! Brainstorm! I will message my dealer. Maybe she can give me some from her stash to hold me over? I send a message to her. I’m begging. She says okay, I will give you 14 for $12. Now I work an hour away from her. And then it’s another 35 minutes back. Do I care? Nope. 

Then she says it. And this is how it started. A new message comes up. “If you join me, I will give them to you for free.” At this point, I need it and I had thought about it anyway. The money would help. Sure some people might look at me differently but I don’t care. I’m excited.

After work I take the hour drive to her house. She’s showing me and telling me the benefits. She made $600 last month. That’s a little under what I make bi-weekly. That’s another paycheck. I wouldn’t mind that. 

Her husband jumps in and starts telling me how it actually helps people. If I was on the fence, which I’m not sure I was in the first place, now I’m definitely interested. 

She starts telling me how it all works. That though I’m under her, I can end up making more than she does. She’s showing me different avenues to advertise and how there’s different ways to make money. She shows me who she works under and who is at the top. Mostly women, surprisingly. 

She tells me I should start with a starter pack. Not much at all. And obviously I get discount. That’s what I’m excited about. She lets the others know I’m joining and they all welcome me like family.

Now I’m just waiting for my welcome pack to come in the mail. The mail?! Yes, that’s right. I just joined the Plexus team. And I am a dealer of natural products that help people lose weight. I am very excited to call myself a dealer of these products. Not as juicy of a story as you thought? I’m sorry I’m not an actual drug dealer, but you are still reading right? 

Now think about this. I drove about and hour and a half total, in order to get a few extra to last me until mine comes. That should tell you how much I stand by these products. I tried it for a month. Tried to lose weight myself for a month and ended up gaining everything I lost back, plus 4 pounds! So this last month I got more, and a new product, the weight loss accelerator. In the past three and a half weeks I have lost a total of 12 pounds.

This is so exciting for me. I have fatty liver disease and Addison’s disease. Both make it harder to lose weight. Once I was doing hot yoga in the morning, a hip hop class and a cardio kickboxing class all at the same time. I lost nothing. Not even a pound and I did it for about 3-4 months. I had pretty much given up.

Dawn, my now “dealer,”.said I think you have candida (yeast in your gut) and adrenal issues based off Facebook posts I had been making. My mother and I had already thought the candida but my doctor doesn’t like to listen and treated me like a hypochondriac. When I brought it up at an appointment she started cutting me off to question me about depression. 

So I decided to look into this adrenal thing too. Dawn added me to different Facebook groups about adrenal and thyroid issues. Turns out adrenal problems look like thyroid problems. And I have been tested for thyroid problems for as long as I can remember. So I got tested. And they sent me to an endocrinologist because they said My blood work came back really low. And guess what? I have Addison’s disease a.k.a. adrenal problems. 

I really appreciated the support on the Facebook group Dawn added me to. So many issues started making sense. But I kept seeing people posting excitedly about Plexus helping them. “What is plexus?” I asked. Natural, gluten free weight loss products. Ohhh, what Dawn sells.

Nope. Not interested. Sounds like a scam. Obviously they lose water weight. They just haven’t caught on yet. But slowly over time I started to question my beliefs. Dawn kept posting others’ stories. With pictures. And sure, they could be photoshopped, but it didn’t look like it. And they were tagged in the statuses. These are real people! 

What made me decide to take the plunge…was a post of a woman’s tongue. That’s right, I said tongue. I used to be so embarrassed, but sometime during my pregnancy, my tongue became discolored and slightly white. What. The. Hell. I thought it would go away after I had my son. Nope. Well they say it takes two years for your body to go back to normal. He’s five. Lol. Sooo I don’t think it’s going back on its own. 

When researching candida I learned that’s what the discoloration is  The yeast is so active that it can change your tongue’s color. And that’s just what it did. 

In this shared story Dawn posted, the woman took a picture of her tongue before and during use of Plexus. No way! That is me! Plexus can’t actually help that! Yes, yes it can. And it does. Because it rids the yeast from your body. 

Wondering if you have candida? Do you CONSTANTLY crave sugar and starch? Literally that was my entire diet before I started plexus. I couldn’t resist! It started taking over my thoughts whenever I was hungry to the point that I thought I was pregnant. Which…was not…even possible. I had a a skin condition called tinea versicolor caused by yeast too. Also discoloration. 

Today I feel soooo much better. I feel more awake during the day. Happier. And obviously, I’m loving the weight loss. Questions? Comment. Curious? Check it out.

Uncategorized

Go car Go!

Oh little car

Taking me near and taking me far

All the while falling apart

Giving me hell…not wanting to start

I joke that I will drive you into the ground

Which will be sooner than expected judging from your sounds

I know you are going to die just before I pay you off,

I know this because you are accelerating like a sloth.

What was that noise? Turn the radio down 

Hm that’s definitely an interesting sound

Take you to dealer, ask them what’s the deal

I can fix you…by skipping a week or two of meals

300 for this 500 for that,

How about we ghetto rig it and see how long it lasts? 

You make me sad, I love you so,

But do you care? The answer is no.

You are like raising a destructive teen,

You are defiant, crazy and sometimes mean,

Not leaving even though I cant wait for you to get away from the house

Or maybe you are more like an ungrateful spouse

I curse you out and tell you to listen

I WILL go find a cute young thing that glistens

Sometimes you won’t let me take my keys out of the ignition   

Making me insane I immediately start twitchin

Go car go! You can make it!

You get me there, sanity taken

I still love you, you still have my heart…

But I swear mother fucker if you do not start…