When you are in it, you don’t really realize how bad it really is. I find this true for almost anything. Personally I can tell you this is true for bad jobs, friendships, and relationships. I’m sure there are plenty more things that apply. I’m not sure what that is, what makes you not realize it. Maybe it is your brain’s way of protecting you. It’s been proven to do this when someone experiences a tragic event and the person will completely block it out. Maybe it’s tricking us into believing “it’s not that bad” until we can get to a place where we can move on and fix whatever is happening.
And I can tell you it happens with depression. I have had really terrible depression before, and by comparison, nothing else is bad. So my thoughts are always “I’m not depressed, I just hate (insert something about jobs, coworkers, friends, family).” I am not depressed because it’s not as bad as that one time. But I am depressed.
I can’t give you an exact reason why I am because there are a lot of things. Things I can’t change and things I can. I feel like pieces of me just break off and I glue them back in place and hold it together hoping things will get better.
I over think things. I think about them until I break it apart and examine it at every angle. Until I grind it down into teeny tiny grains of sand. While it helps me better understand things and I honestly believe it makes me a better person in general, there are definitely it’s down sides. I know that because I over think about the possible outcomes and weighing the probability of it going the way I want to, I am less likely to push myself into something new. I am less likely to say what I need to say to someone in order to make myself feel better, because I am overly concerned with how they will take it. It makes me have a big heart and connect with people easily. But it also makes it easy for people to manipulate and step all over me.
I haven’t been able to breathe. I’m suffocating. My days off work don’t feel like days off. It feels like a count down until I go back in. I can’t sleep. I don’t eat properly. Nothing makes me excited and everything does at the same time. I’m overly passionate about the wrong things and nothing outside of this box I’m in gets me excited. I’m on auto-pilot, just going through the motions.
Being a single mom, my free time basically goes to my son. Or it should. I feel so guilty when I don’t want to do anything and can’t motivate myself to do something with him. I feel like a bad parent.
Because everything is a chore when you are depressed. Putting clothes on, doing your hair, driving, even moving sometimes.
Still have your attention? Does this remind you of anyone you know?
Well, tell them I said, JUST KEEP SWIMMING. I know it’s from Finding Nemo but it has literally been the quote of my life. If you keep swimming it will get better.
People tend to think that those with depression are easy to spot. Here’s a hint, it’s not just the emo kid in the corner of that movie that one time, dressed in black rebelling against his family. It is not just owned by teens, those affected by traumatic events and postpardum moms. Yes all of them are affected but it’s not that easy. Often, people have high functioning depression. It’s the corporate lawyer that everyone says is top notch at her job. It’s the construction worker, the college kid, the manager, the person in between jobs. It’s moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, kids, aunts, uncles. It is your best friend and your priest. It takes many forms and can occur in anyone. It’s your friend that cracks jokes and is the life of the party as much as it is “that weird kid” you know. It’s the lady that is always baking treats for her neighbors and the one that screams at you for stepping on their grass. It’s everywhere.
Today, I feel pretty happy. Not like happy happy. But half way. And that sounds sad, but it’s something. I was productive, spent time with my family doing all kinds of things, reached out to four people, two of them I haven’t talked to in a long time. Today I am doing good. And the revelation that I’m not “just having a hard time right now” but that I am indeed depressed, means that I can take the step toward feeling better. Going to the doctors. Talking about it. Doing something about it.
I think that blogging unlocks my brain from the prison it’s in. I kept a diary up until high school and it helped so much. Now you are my diary. I just have an audience (besides my mom and my brother sneaking a peak). I just have to be brave enough to talk about the tough stuff too, for my well being, without thinking about how everyone else will take it. And I’m sure it will benefit others knowing that someone really does understand.
Depression sometimes feels like drowning. You are tense and panicking, can’t breathe. Wondering if you will ever break the surface. Wondering if anyone notices you are in the state you are in.
See those white bits. That’s the light breaking through. Just keep swimming. You will get there.
Hugs and Kisses