100% Honest Dating Profile- Airing my Dirty Laundry

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So for shits and giggles I decided to see what would happen if I was 100% honest on my dating profile in my bio.  I have to admit I had a lot of fun writing it.  And I think I realized just how insane I am.  Because why not?  If you get all the crazy crap out they can’t say I never warned them.  Clear as day.  Here it is.

My Bio on Plenty of Fish, a dating site:

HI! So I decided to see what would happen if women were 100% bluntly honest about themselves. It’s a lot. Here it goes.

No, I don’t know how to roll a joint and I don’t smoke either. “Challenge accepted!” No sit down. Don’t bother asking me for pictures of any kind, the ones I am willing to share are already on my page. I will not give you my number after you ask me two questions in a message. I will 100% believe you are trying to murder me. I am not your shorty, baby, ma, bitch, baby mama, boo, boo boo (do not EVER…do you know what that sounds like?), or wifey (come on…are you serious? I have known you for all of three minutes). I will not tie you up and spank you with a whip until you scream some safety words like “banana hammock” or whatever you creative types come up with. What am I wearing? Sweatpants that are three sizes too big with four holes in them (two in the thighs from them rubbing together), an over-sized shirt with a giant stain on the front, and a huge hoodie that used to belong to my brother that I painted in once. Don’t worry, should we EVER meet and actually start a relationship you will never see these. These are dubbed my “ugly house clothes.” I will go out and buy something and pretend like I have had them forever. Oh, what? These old things? Nope, I like my to wear my ugly house clothes. Don’t believe the lies. What are my big lips good for you ask? For telling your sorry ass goodbye if that’s all you are interested in. Will I meet you in the parking lot to sell you used underwear? How much for each pair is all I need to know. Hey…I have student debt to pay. $40,000 to be precise. Do you hate democrats? I can tell you right now it won’t work out. Do you hate Ellen Degeneres? If you do, bye. I have all the same views as she does. If you don’t like her, then you won’t like me. And also, if you don’t like her…what planet are you from? Who doesn’t like Ellen? I’m pretty sure even terrorists like Ellen. They are probably all sitting around watching her show right now. Also, don’t send me a message about how much you actually do hate Ellen and take offense to this. If you are a terrorist and take offense to this, my real name is Donnie Trump. Planning on asking me really nasty dirty questions? I am appalled. I will not partake in such shenanigans. Good day sir. I said good day! If I sent you a message back that says “refer to my bio” we probably won’t be talking again because you did one of the above.

Still reading? Okay let’s talk about me. I have enough baggage to fill an airplane. If you like to travel, that’s something you should probably keep in mind. I want marriage. I want a wedding. Probably a big one. SWIM AWAY! (I find this clever because we are on Plenty of Fish and also…it’s from Finding Nemo. You don’t like cartoons? Get out). I (think) I want another child. Another? Yes another. I currently have 4. Just kidding I have one son that is five. He is my world. Not prepared to be a role model to a five year old? Bye. Also, please do not take my wanting another child as “aw yeah she wants a baby. I can do that for you girl. Then ima disappear like Hoffa. Gave you that baby just like you asked.” No. If you have a child that’s okay…if you are involved. If you have a child and you are not involved with them…do not message me. No deadbeats my way. Thankssss. Here’s another one for you. I’m not all that religious. I’m not sure what I believe. I know…I’m complicated. I think if you are doing the right thing most of the time and are treating people of all walks of life with kindness and respect you are good. Do you hate a certain races, nationalities, genders, sexuality, disabilites? Thanks but no thanks.  I have two jobs and not a whole lot of time. My son has something called Sensory Processing Disorder. If that’s not something you can support or you don’t believe in it…shoo fly don’t bother me. I drink socially, but everything else I don’t do. I talk during movies. I yell during scary ones. I am defensive. Not on purpose but it’s there. I have a perverted sense of humor that I think I got from my 3 uncles. I love fashion and want to be a designer but struggle with it because I also don’t want to be a part of the crazy consumerism that goes on in this country. If you don’t know what I just said….bye. Do I sound like an ass? Sorry, not sorry. I just know I’m complicated and need someone that can support that. I know what I do and don’t want. I have strong family values. I love holidays. I am a walking medical mystery. I have a rare disease and a bunch of other random stuff going on. But I look okay on the outside because it’s autoimmune. So that’s awesome. Told ya. Baggage. I live with my mom right now. Trying to pay off some debt before getting another apartment. I have daddy issues and some issues with my childhood. I have trust issues so it takes someone really strong to get past the barriers I put up to help myself. My room is often a giant mess. So is my car. I love nature. I love adventure. I love trying new things and doing fun stuff. Netflix and chill? Maybe sometimes, but for a date. No way Jose. I am constantly over analyzing things. My mind doesn’t stop. I am mixed. Mom is white, dad is black. I’m also a small percentage of East Indian on my dad’s side and Native American on my mom’s. But I am mixed. I am not black. I am not white. I am not a “black girl that talks white.” I am mixed. I swear if you say that I am black based on the one drop rule I will come through the computer and drop kick your ass. That is slavery beliefs. Literally. Anyway…I take criticism a little too harshly. I have insecurities. I love to read. And clearly, write. I love surprises. I like someone that challenges me intellectually. I have road rage. I have a blog. There are some things that I am solid on but I negotiate a lot too. A relationship is give and take. I make mistakes, I have flaws. If you are going to drop me the minute I do something wrong…don’t even bother. I love sappy love movies, books, those stupid Facebook posts about the cutest proposals. All of that. P.s. I like to talk a lot in case you couldn’t tell.

So what am I looking for? A guy that’s at least trying to get his stuff together, if not already there. Someone sweet and thoughtful that can also appreciate my perverted jokes. Thoughtful is important. I’m not saying I want you to drop hundreds on me…but showing up with my favorite food…and a movie will make me melt. I want someone confident. Supportive. Loving. You! You are still here! message me!”

Now surprisingly, I got quite a few responses.  I currently have 343 people that have said they want to “Meet me” which really just means they like my picture.  So those aren’t real results because you just look at the picture and say “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.”  But 74 people have written me a message. One of them was a girl, which I actually think was some kind of a scam.  And one of them was a welcome message–hey, hey.  Don’t you judge.  I count every single message.  Get those numbers up lol.  So we will say 72.  Most of them start off with saying something about my awesome bio.  They say more women need to be honest like that.  You hear that ladies?!  Just air that stuff out!  I’m not really trying to date, but it was definitely an issue with Nemo.  So what would happen if instead of waiting to find all that stuff out…you were up front with it? Results! That’s what! Almost 21% (I decided that 343 people wanted to meet me but 72 messaged me, so that’s where that number came from smarty pants). Of course I’ve had a few messages that say stuff like “that will chase men away and they are just being nice and ‘warning me’.”  You know what I say to that?  Grow a pair.  Don’t run away from honesty and if you do….BYE FELIPE no one will miss you!

Why Dating is Awesome 

  


Dating is amazing. Yes, it can be completely terrifying and make you question yourself, but there are great parts too.


Let me start by saying that yes, I totally freak out and question everything like I talked about in Why Dating Sucks. But if you aren’t questioning yourself and you aren’t at least a little nervous, you probably aren’t excited. And if you aren’t excited…why are you going?

Dating is cool because you try new things. Now, this only pertains if you are going on actual dates and not just “hanging out” and you don’t go to a bar for every date. Not that going to a bar is bad by any means, but if you are going every time not much thought is going into it. Which may or may not be your thing. But personally, I wouldn’t always want to go to a bar.

So as I was saying, you try new things. A new restaurant, a city you haven’t been to. I don’t drink much at all so going to a bar was something new. When I order drinks, because I have no idea what I’m doing I just tell the bartender to make me something fruity and light. Lol. And I think beer is gross, but I tried something he ordered and it wasn’t bad! I tried sushi with actual fish in it for the first time. I couldn’t even taste the fish and it was good! New drinks, new foods, new places. 

Even if he doesn’t take you anywhere new, which my date did, you take the lead. I decided to do this and said I would plan some dates, which I realized is new to me. And a lot of pressure. I feel bad for guys! 

If you plan a few dates you can do things that you haven’t done before but sound fun. I suggest checking out Groupon.com and livingsocial.com for ideas. I have always wanted to do a Murder Mystery Dinner. I may decide to do that! And I have never been to a comedy show other than Kevin Hart at a stadium. But I have always wanted to go to an actual comedy house. Maybe try Painting With A Twist? There’s so many ideas you can try, maybe use this time to try things you have always wanted to do that you think he will like too. 

Especially if you are a parent, just getting out of the house and focusing on YOURSELF and having a good time is great reason dating is awesome.  So much time spent is worried about everything going on with your kids that you forget about having fun yourself. 

Another reason that dating is awesome is because you start putting more effort into your appearance. This may not be the case for you but it definitely is for me. Going through daily routines of work, spending time with my son, and mainly being a homebody…I don’t dress up or spend much time on my appearance. I forgot what it feels like to spend hours getting ready. And honestly, I missed it. I missed feeling really pretty. Taking time to pick out a perfect outfit. He might not notice much or even care but it gives me a little extra confidence. And after feeling like “mom on the run” all the time it’s nice to just feel really feminine and pretty. 

Though this next topic doesn’t pertain to me, it’s something I’m sure others think about. One of my best friends said dating multiple people is the best. I personally have a tough time with this. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I have never been able to date more than one person without completely panicking and feeling anxious. But she’s says it’s great, that “it’s like Elimidate. Remember that show?” That you have some options and you take the time to figure out which one is right for you. If I did this, I probably wouldn’t spend so much time on the wrong people, but it’s just something I can’t do. But if you can, more power to you! 

What I have realized I really like about dating is really getting to know someone. I like learning about people anyway but it’s a little different on a more intimate level. Figuring out their likes and dislikes. What things do you have in common. What things you are on totally different pages about. Learning about their childhood, their past, their family. Their sense of humor. And telling them about you. I’m not sure why I like this so much but I really do.

The best thing about dating are the things that make your heart pound. The romance. Trying to figuring out your feelings for the other person. The butterflies. The nervousness. Wanting to text all the time. Feeling like you are a teen in high school again. That, in my opinion, is the best part about dating. And it all constitutes why dating is awesome. 







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Why Dating Sucks

  

I get to a point where I’m like “you know what? I hate this.” For the most part dating is great like I talked about in Why Dating is Awesome. But it also makes you question LITERALLY EVERYTHING.  Which is why dating sucks. 


It’s 100% possible I overthink things and that’s why I tend to freak out. I’m going to tell you some of the things that go through my mind and you can tell me if you relate.  

At first everything is smooth sailing. And then BAM! Hits you like a ton of bricks. The questioning. The wondering. Every forehead smacking moment that was seeping in the back of your brain is brought to the forefront. And that’s how it starts.

When he brought up Dia De Los Muertos and you had a complete brain fart even though you 100% know what it is, you sounded like an idiot. And why the hell did you decide to wear that?  Are you sure you looked good? Because when you think back on it, it sounds like a HORRIBLE idea. And all the silences– were they too long or too awkward? You just remembered you totally didn’t tip the bartenders when you offered pay for drinks. He probably thinks you are a cheap ass. Or that you are undignified. Did you laugh too loud? Eat too loud? And you didn’t finish the meal he paid for! Ugh! And even worse you didn’t get a box. You should have gotten a box! What is wrong with you woman?! And at the end of the night you totally freaked out getting in your head about a goodnight kiss. Does he want one? Are you comfortable with that? How do you do this? How do the two of you part? What if he goes in for one and you are sure you are totally going to screw it up? Get out of your head! Be in the moment! Stop fidgeting with your necklace! 

It doesn’t matter that you have been talking everyday since, have a second date set up, or that he kissed you on the cheek like a gentleman. 

Now there’s new questions. Because now you think this is what you want. You like this guy. A lot. But what if he doesn’t like you quite the same? What if he is just looking for casual dating to keep him occupied but wants nothing more out of it? What if he doesn’t often think about you, but you have been thinking about him all the time. How bad would it suck if he decided he didn’t want this to go any further? Is this age thing going to be an issue? How will you know? Is it too soon to just ask him up front? “Hey man what do you want out of this?” Is that coming on too strong? Will that be the thing that makes him want to drop you? Will it be too hard to just be patient and wait it out until he tells you? Is he waiting for you to ask? Surely it’s too damn early for all of this. He probably doesn’t even think about you until a text comes through. Right? Should I continue talking to other guys? Even if I’m pretty sure that I want to focus on him? Is that crazy? To feel that way? I’m pretty sure I should be institutionalized. 

When you are texting…you are excited and want to text right back…but should you? Does that seem desperate? He doesn’t text right back. But I just get so damn excited like 15 year old and want to respond immediately.  But I hold off most of the time. It’s irritating, like I’m playing games instead of just being myself. And as I say “if she’s playing games she’s too young for you bro.” I am overthinking this? Or maybe I’m not. I’m not sure. Am I, in fact, too young for him bro? Maybe he’s got a life and that’s why he doesn’t respond right away you dipwad. Stop overthinking this! Why do you send such long texts? Is that ok? Or is he annoyed by it?

I know that we have a second date scheduled and a third planned, as well as other plans, but was he joking about the other plans? For the movie marathon? Was he just saying that? I’m cleaning my place from top to bottom…just in case. When are we going to add each other on Facebook? Is it weird to wonder that?  Because I feel like I need to go through and delete stuff I have posted. I should watch what I say on there. But then I’m not being myself. But people are judgmental at first. Why am I worried about that right now? I just want to know what you want out of this an then I can relax! Tell me! TELL ME NOW!

This may not be even close to how you think. And I just realized that as a 24 year old woman, this is the first time I have gone on a date thinking ahead of time that this is a date, and we are not in a relationship. So I may be completely freaking out for no reason.  I hate the unknown. I just want to know where I stand. At all times. And when I don’t, I question my, well, everything. Decisions, actions, feelings. It makes me anxious. And that my friends, is why dating sucks. 








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My Adventures of Online Dating- Finding Nemo

I have been single for just over a year. It’s starting to get to that wonderful point where all of my friends, family (including my grandma) are trying to set me up with someone. And this year deciding whether I wanted to date or not was a New Year’s Resolution.  And I decided yes, okay, I’m ready. Now what?

I spend a lot of time driving in between my apartment, my mom’s house and work. I don’t have a lot of time on my hands. So at first I decided to go the route of giving out my number to anyone that asked. That was a horribly, stupid mistake. I have a weird adversity to phone conversations with people I don’t know (calling to set up doctors appointments is a serious struggle) so texting was the way to go. Maybe it’s just me, but when someone you barely know texts you “Good morning. I woke up and kissed you. Muah,” it’s time to move on. Then they blow up your phone and when you tell them it’s not working out they throw a complete fit and continue texting you their angry rants. After about four guys, I decided yeahhh this isn’t working. I laid off of it for a while.

Then Patti the Millionaire Matchmaker told me to try online dating on a site called Plenty of Fish. Well she didn’t tell me personally, but damn it, it felt like it. My mom and I were watching it and she did an interview where she told Andy Cohen, I love him by the way (call me Andy!) that online dating is where to meet men. I signed up before she finished talking.

About two years ago I tried a few websites, and it didn’t work out. But hey I would give it the old college try. It took me a while to understand what was happening. Immediately I started getting notifications that people wanted to meet me and I started getting overwhelmed. It’s just the way the site works. They show you pictures of people in your area it asks if you want to meet them, but it just means “are you interested?” You can choose yes, no or maybe. If you click yes or maybe the other person gets a notification that you want to meet them. It also lets you know if there is a mutual match.

At first I started freaking out. What?!!! I don’t want to meet anyone yet! Are they crazy?! I’m going to end up handcuffed in a warehouse somewhere!

It’s just the site’s terminology.

Then my phone started chiming like crazy because my inbox started getting messages. Some saying very inappropriate things that I won’t repeat. Some just saying hi. Some calling me bae, Hun, boo, beautiful, and even future wifey. It was overwhelming.

My biggest issue starting out was that I felt bad if I didn’t respond. Okay…I still have that problem, even if I think I’m not interested because who knows right?

The pick up lines. Oh man the pick up lines! The best so far is “just call me Pooh because all I want is you, honey.” Hey, I had never heard it before and it was funny.

Once I got a message saying “judging from your username you have heard (some guy I can’t remember)’s commencement speech in some place I don’t remember of 2005? Well I didn’t listen to my own damn commencement speech so I don’t exactly go around looking for commencement speeches from when I was 15. And my username is because I think I’m clever and it’s from Finding Nemo. Lmao!

I may be engaged. Did I forget to mention that?  Probably the most interesting message I got was something along the lines of “here’s the key to my heart 🔑🔑🔐❤️ please don’t break it 💔. ”  Followed by the statement “🌷🌷🌹🌹🌺🌺🌼🌼 I got you some flowers I hope they don’t die.” Next was ” this is a deposit if you act right 💍💍💎💎💎👰👰💏💑.” Lastly was “this is a seed for our future 🌱 with the right ingredients 💦💦 and some love 💕💕 it will grow.”  So I’m pretty sure I’m engaged. He did it so fast and there was a lot more emojis. It took me forever to find those just now.

The next issue I personally had was when they would end every sentence in “beautiful” in a very generic surface issue conversation. I get it, you think I’m beautiful. Now can we actually get to know one another?

Good conversation in general is hard to come by. I get a lot of “what are you doing” and when I respond, not answering until the next day with the same question.

Did I mention that I was told I look like Rosario Dawson’s MOM?!  I’m 24. I get Rosario Dawson alllll the time. Rosario is 35. Let’s do some math here. If Rosario’s mom had her at a super young age, let’s say 13. You are saying that I look at least 48! When I tell him this he tells me to take my vitamins and then tells me insecurity isn’t attractive. What?!

I also had A LOT of men pushing for a date or phone number right out of the gate and would get frustrated when I refused saying I wanted to get to know them better on the site first.

Did I mention I have been stood up twice?

Not all of them are bad though. I have a few guys that I really enjoy talking to and even have a date coming up that I am very excited for. And when I told my friends that I was on this site, about 6 of them said they met their current boyfriends/fiances on that site. If you are thinking about it, give it a shot! Be prepared for the madness though. I will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading😊