People tend to think that those that left when times are down, never really loved them. Perpetuating their abuse, self hate, or anger. It’s quite the opposite actually. It’s that we love you so much, it hurts to see you not love yourself the way we love you. It’s debilitating.
We watched you bloom. We watched you turn your face toward the sun and lap up every bit of it with a smile on your face. And then we watched in horror as you yanked your roots from the ground. And though we know you feel like you are running free from the earth and all that left you feeling stagnant, we know we just watched you kill yourself in the slowest way possible.
And unless you replant your roots somewhere else you start wilting, dying as pieces of you dance away with the wind. And it is the hardest thing to watch. Because no matter how many times we tell you to root yourself, you will only do that when you are ready.
And when you are ready, you can transplant. You can absolutely do that. Your view may be different. You may have seen things others would never understand. You may never quite be the same. But you can still grow. And you will. Just turn your face toward the sun and remember.
I know it has been some time. Trust me, we will eventually get into all of that. But being over 8 months I couldn’t just drop a blog post and pretend I haven’t been missing. I have been working, just not posting publicly.
I have had some heath issues going on. I still do, and to be honest, they are probably worse than before. But I could not find the motivation to get to the library to write. I still can’t. I have written many half finished things on my phone (which is a piece of crap iphone 4s with a cracked screen and spots that don’t work on the screen to type). And when I have gotten to the library, I don’t have enough time to completely finish blog posts, so I have a lot of drafts saved too. But what has changed is that I have been working a little more often than normal, two jobs.
And because I am working more I have been feeling I have no time to myself. Because days off are designated to my son or doctors appointments. So I feel now more than ever I need an outlet. And before I was just using my jank phone at night to get my thoughts out, but it won’t even cooperate anymore. And working more has provided me with a little expendable income, so I decided it was time to get a new laptop before I completely lose it.
So here I am. I am back, and I am writing and I am happier than I have been in a while.
And, I am about to be really angry at myself in the morning because I am on a “new laptop” high and can’t get to sleep.
Going to try and force myself to go to sleep….right after I post this one quick thing I wrote that I feel is important.
Good night all.