So for shits and giggles I decided to see what would happen if I was 100% honest on my dating profile in my bio. I have to admit I had a lot of fun writing it. And I think I realized just how insane I am. Because why not? If you get all the crazy crap out they can’t say I never warned them. Clear as day. Here it is.
My Bio on Plenty of Fish, a dating site:
“HI! So I decided to see what would happen if women were 100% bluntly honest about themselves. It’s a lot. Here it goes.
No, I don’t know how to roll a joint and I don’t smoke either. “Challenge accepted!” No sit down. Don’t bother asking me for pictures of any kind, the ones I am willing to share are already on my page. I will not give you my number after you ask me two questions in a message. I will 100% believe you are trying to murder me. I am not your shorty, baby, ma, bitch, baby mama, boo, boo boo (do not EVER…do you know what that sounds like?), or wifey (come on…are you serious? I have known you for all of three minutes). I will not tie you up and spank you with a whip until you scream some safety words like “banana hammock” or whatever you creative types come up with. What am I wearing? Sweatpants that are three sizes too big with four holes in them (two in the thighs from them rubbing together), an over-sized shirt with a giant stain on the front, and a huge hoodie that used to belong to my brother that I painted in once. Don’t worry, should we EVER meet and actually start a relationship you will never see these. These are dubbed my “ugly house clothes.” I will go out and buy something and pretend like I have had them forever. Oh, what? These old things? Nope, I like my to wear my ugly house clothes. Don’t believe the lies. What are my big lips good for you ask? For telling your sorry ass goodbye if that’s all you are interested in. Will I meet you in the parking lot to sell you used underwear? How much for each pair is all I need to know. Hey…I have student debt to pay. $40,000 to be precise. Do you hate democrats? I can tell you right now it won’t work out. Do you hate Ellen Degeneres? If you do, bye. I have all the same views as she does. If you don’t like her, then you won’t like me. And also, if you don’t like her…what planet are you from? Who doesn’t like Ellen? I’m pretty sure even terrorists like Ellen. They are probably all sitting around watching her show right now. Also, don’t send me a message about how much you actually do hate Ellen and take offense to this. If you are a terrorist and take offense to this, my real name is Donnie Trump. Planning on asking me really nasty dirty questions? I am appalled. I will not partake in such shenanigans. Good day sir. I said good day! If I sent you a message back that says “refer to my bio” we probably won’t be talking again because you did one of the above.
Still reading? Okay let’s talk about me. I have enough baggage to fill an airplane. If you like to travel, that’s something you should probably keep in mind. I want marriage. I want a wedding. Probably a big one. SWIM AWAY! (I find this clever because we are on Plenty of Fish and also…it’s from Finding Nemo. You don’t like cartoons? Get out). I (think) I want another child. Another? Yes another. I currently have 4. Just kidding I have one son that is five. He is my world. Not prepared to be a role model to a five year old? Bye. Also, please do not take my wanting another child as “aw yeah she wants a baby. I can do that for you girl. Then ima disappear like Hoffa. Gave you that baby just like you asked.” No. If you have a child that’s okay…if you are involved. If you have a child and you are not involved with them…do not message me. No deadbeats my way. Thankssss. Here’s another one for you. I’m not all that religious. I’m not sure what I believe. I know…I’m complicated. I think if you are doing the right thing most of the time and are treating people of all walks of life with kindness and respect you are good. Do you hate a certain races, nationalities, genders, sexuality, disabilites? Thanks but no thanks. I have two jobs and not a whole lot of time. My son has something called Sensory Processing Disorder. If that’s not something you can support or you don’t believe in it…shoo fly don’t bother me. I drink socially, but everything else I don’t do. I talk during movies. I yell during scary ones. I am defensive. Not on purpose but it’s there. I have a perverted sense of humor that I think I got from my 3 uncles. I love fashion and want to be a designer but struggle with it because I also don’t want to be a part of the crazy consumerism that goes on in this country. If you don’t know what I just said….bye. Do I sound like an ass? Sorry, not sorry. I just know I’m complicated and need someone that can support that. I know what I do and don’t want. I have strong family values. I love holidays. I am a walking medical mystery. I have a rare disease and a bunch of other random stuff going on. But I look okay on the outside because it’s autoimmune. So that’s awesome. Told ya. Baggage. I live with my mom right now. Trying to pay off some debt before getting another apartment. I have daddy issues and some issues with my childhood. I have trust issues so it takes someone really strong to get past the barriers I put up to help myself. My room is often a giant mess. So is my car. I love nature. I love adventure. I love trying new things and doing fun stuff. Netflix and chill? Maybe sometimes, but for a date. No way Jose. I am constantly over analyzing things. My mind doesn’t stop. I am mixed. Mom is white, dad is black. I’m also a small percentage of East Indian on my dad’s side and Native American on my mom’s. But I am mixed. I am not black. I am not white. I am not a “black girl that talks white.” I am mixed. I swear if you say that I am black based on the one drop rule I will come through the computer and drop kick your ass. That is slavery beliefs. Literally. Anyway…I take criticism a little too harshly. I have insecurities. I love to read. And clearly, write. I love surprises. I like someone that challenges me intellectually. I have road rage. I have a blog. There are some things that I am solid on but I negotiate a lot too. A relationship is give and take. I make mistakes, I have flaws. If you are going to drop me the minute I do something wrong…don’t even bother. I love sappy love movies, books, those stupid Facebook posts about the cutest proposals. All of that. P.s. I like to talk a lot in case you couldn’t tell.
So what am I looking for? A guy that’s at least trying to get his stuff together, if not already there. Someone sweet and thoughtful that can also appreciate my perverted jokes. Thoughtful is important. I’m not saying I want you to drop hundreds on me…but showing up with my favorite food…and a movie will make me melt. I want someone confident. Supportive. Loving. You! You are still here! message me!”
Now surprisingly, I got quite a few responses. I currently have 343 people that have said they want to “Meet me” which really just means they like my picture. So those aren’t real results because you just look at the picture and say “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.” But 74 people have written me a message. One of them was a girl, which I actually think was some kind of a scam. And one of them was a welcome message–hey, hey. Don’t you judge. I count every single message. Get those numbers up lol. So we will say 72. Most of them start off with saying something about my awesome bio. They say more women need to be honest like that. You hear that ladies?! Just air that stuff out! I’m not really trying to date, but it was definitely an issue with Nemo. So what would happen if instead of waiting to find all that stuff out…you were up front with it? Results! That’s what! Almost 21% (I decided that 343 people wanted to meet me but 72 messaged me, so that’s where that number came from smarty pants). Of course I’ve had a few messages that say stuff like “that will chase men away and they are just being nice and ‘warning me’.” You know what I say to that? Grow a pair. Don’t run away from honesty and if you do….BYE FELIPE no one will miss you!